Intro

The choice to elope (or not) is a big choice for you and your partner to make —  not your family, not your friends, not from cultural expectation, and definitely not us. 

This entry’s all about offering some things to think over and discuss as you’re making that decision, not to convince you that one way is right and another wrong. It’s based on our experiences and feedback from the hundreds of couples we’ve worked with, and just generally as married people that have been through it and having reckoned with the choice ourselves when we got married.

Tl;dr:

It would be hard to imagine regretting a day you planned that sounds fun to you both, spending it with only the person or people you love most, in a way that stays true to who you are together. What more could you ask for?

Whether that takes the form of a courthouse elopement, backyard wedding, adventure elopement, or traditional wedding. We’re here for you if an elopement or intimate wedding is what you land on. But you may finish reading this and have it really cement your gut choice to have a huge traditional wedding. And that’s great too! And honestly we’d still love to talk if so.

Now let’s talk more about regret.

Generalities

Whichever way you choose to get married, consider:

• Taking your partner’s POV into account: Wherever you stand, and however passionately you hold your position, you’ve gotta find a way for your partner to also get what they want. It’s gotta be a joint decision: strip phrases like “whatever they want” or “it’s really for them” from your mind — unless you want your wedding to be something that happens to you instead of something you chose to do

• Laying it all out on the table: it’s so much easier to make a decision, or a compromise, once you both break down the basic who, what, where, when, why of how you see your wedding day. Including rough budget. Clear, communicated priorities and numbers will help so much

• That regret can be nuanced: you could regret not having a traditional wedding, or you could regret the traditional wedding you choose to have. You could regret not eloping.

If priorities are split, it may come down to which choice best aligns with the things you value most. Compromise can sometimes mean modification, as you work together on making the best possible plan (not the perfect plan).

Ways you may regret a traditional wedding

It’s a great idea to ask the people in your lives what they thought of their traditional wedding — What did they love about it? What wasn’t great? How would they do it if they could go back? Then buckle up for some strong opinions.

We’ve never heard from someone that regretted eloping but we’ve definitely heard the opposite. From people we know, from people that ask us about our careers, from guests at elopements — it’s common to hear, “Oh man I would give anything to have just eloped instead!” 

Some of the most common things that come up again and again:

• Fixation on how the wedding looks (venue, decor, flowers, etc) to the detriment of the experience they actually had (before and during)

• Stress from trying to host and accommodate people who are not in their relationship, family & friends they felt pressured to invite, and trying to appease everyone

• Prioritizing convention, not conviction & intention

• Spending too much on the wrong things: you’re spending money to have a great experience, to make good memories, to collectively have a good time. Set yourself up for success by making sure your money goes toward things you care about

Exercise: “A traditional wedding could be great because…”

“It’d be so fun to have all our family and friends together” 

“I think it’d be fun to dress up and do all the wedding-y stuff” 

“I love hosting huge parties and planning a super memorable one would be fun” 

“I kinda love being the center of attention”

“It feels right”

Exercise: “A traditional wedding could be great, but…”

“But my mom’s a fucking basket case and we’d have to invite her”

“But I hate the idea of all the attention and saying my vows to everyone” 

“But I can’t see spending all that money for a party” 

“But it really wouldn’t be our vibe”

Suggestion: Start from a place of being open to it and jot down the things that come to mind. Then share your thoughts with your partner.

Ways you may regret an elopement

Eloping has become so much more popular in recent years, and has long since broadened beyond the stereotypical Vegas chapel (which of course there’s nothing wrong with — both my mom and my sister got married this way and loved it) People that have eloped are out there and would also gladly share their experience if you ask. If you can’t find anyone IRL, ask Reddit or Google!

Exercise: “An elopement could be great because…”

“It’s way more US” 

“We can get married, while on vacation, then go on a honeymoon for the price of a venue rental and food?”

“So much less pressure and stress”

“We could really be ourselves on the day”

“It looks super fun”

Exercise: “An elopement could be great, but…”

“But I really want my mom/friends/sister there”

“But I’ve always wanted my grandma to walk me down the aisle”

“But I really want to celebrate with friends/family and a huge party sounds FUN”

“But a traditional wedding seems right in my gut”

Suggestion: Pay attention to how many of these are external to you (or your partner): how other people would feel about it, what other people would want, or commonly do. Weddings are a time of celebrating relationships as they are, not mending or changing or sustaining them with the choices you make. That’s too much pressure.

Don’t forget that an elopement can pretty much look however you want it to: the friends and family you really want to be there, can be there, to the extent you want — they can depart after the ceremony, leaving plenty of time for connecting with just your partner. Or join you on the hike — your call.

A few more considerations if you choose to elope

Avoid trends: however your elopement ends up looking, make sure it’s you. Do something you love or are excited to try together; go to a place that resonates with you in some way; wear what you feel confident in or what you’ve always wanted to get married in. Hate hiking? You can explore your favorite neighborhood or a cute mountain town instead.

Making the choice to elope can take some work, even before needing to defend it — pushback from some family members can be common (especially if they’re not invited…) — and we get it, adventure elopements especially aren’t generally on people’s radar and concern can take the form of cynicism, tradition or flatly, selfishness. It’s really weird to put your own preferences ahead of someone else’s, on their wedding day. But that can happen.

“Should I regret eloping?”

“Should I feel guilty about eloping?”

“Is it sad to elope?”

Absolutely not. It’s news to happily share because you aren’t doing something wrong. If it’s right for you, it’s not a concession — it’s a choice. We’ve got a bit more on sharing the news here. And if you fully expect to get a bunch of shit for it, hey, they can always find out after the fact.

The popular option: elopement trip now, group celebration later

If you’re having trouble deciding between an elopement and a big celebration, why not have both?

Most of our clients choose to make a trip/honeymoon out of their elopement — they’ll go somewhere awesome, get married while they’re out there with just the people they really want in attendance, and combine it with a bigger group celebration when they get back. Or have it the following month, or following summer. Could be a backyard thing, at a restaurant, or something that closely resembles a low-stress wedding at a venue — even including vows, a first dance, or anything else you’d love to do during that part. Which is what we did!

Eloping is just for you. The party’s for everyone. And both things are less stressful for it.

In closing

Our bias is probably not a revelation here — we eloped, and we’ve got a sample size of hundreds of couples that loved the call they made to do the same. Often with some modification, sometimes against the wants of others, always with our help pulling it off. As you’re making your choice, put it all out there with your partner and reach out if you’d like to talk more.